In some ways its like talking with someone who lost a loved one -- we want to be supportive, but were afraid well say the wrong thing. Rather, interrogative self-talk (asking yourself questions) may be better. What your loved one is going through isnt about you. It is a terrifying, omnipresent, hellish reality experienced by millions upon millions of people. That's the good news. That is how anxiety works. Learning to make small talk can help build the confidence you need to start conversations, make connections, and develop your social skills. If youre fine with it, you may want to circle back at another time when theyve calmed down. Ive been on the receiving end of some of these remarks, too, when Ive shared my struggles with depression or insomnia. WebMD does not provide medical advice, diagnosis or treatment. But you can also have a great impact on their recovery. If youd like your loved one to focus on and engage with what youre saying, try giving a warm smile and quick shrug of your eyebrows. In the study, participants were asked to solve a puzzle. "Just come to a party/somewhere with us". Anxiety is not amusing, and it is not playful make-believe. "People with anxiety live in their heads a lot of the times. Anxiety can be irrational and trying to regain control Knowing the right things to say and more importantly, what not to say can make a big difference to the person who is feeling anxious. Let your loved one with depression know that their vulnerability is brave. Hopelessness is a common symptom of depression. "It sends the message that the people around them can't support them or tolerate their emotions, and then they're stuck feeling helpless because they're dealing with it by themselves," Green says. Thank them for sharing this with you. If a loved one is living with depression, you can support them by showing up and avoiding things like telling them to cheer up or offering them alcohol. It is best to learn everything you can about depression and listen more than you speak, Ryland says. Above all else, don't be critical, overbearing or try to get too personal. Even though your heart's in the right place, encouraging them to "get over it" or pressuring them to "just calm down" can do more harm than good. But there's a way to keep the conversation going without sending things into a downward spiral: Just ask the person how you can help them, Kitley says. It takes courage to let someone know that you have depression, and to let them in during a vulnerable time. Not to mention it's a pretty heartless thing to say to someone who's suffering from a true disorder. Take Your Time: 10 Things to Say to Someone Who Has Anxiety 1. Are You OK? I like to call this the checking in move, and it is particularly helpful to anxiety-sufferers who do 2. Im Always Here if You Need to Talk Sometimes a person with anxiety will want to talk through what is Anxiety and Depression Association of America. Sanjana has been a health writer and editor since 2014. "Not having an opportunity to talk creates more anxiety," says Green. Stop worrying / Calm down These two statements are among the most commonly used. Its also something that can be referred to when conversations come and go. "Tips to Manage Anxiety and Stress". Weve given you some tools, tips, and science behind communicating with a loved one who has depression. Pease A, et al. "You should do your best never to minimize or invalidate someone's experience with anxiety," says therapist Katie Krimer, MS, LMSW. They have depression and you want to help. In the same vein, you never want to push someone to "suck it up," either. You may want to meet them where they are, instead. For example, a 2010 study demonstrated that making declarative statements isnt actually that effective for getting motivated. But keep in mind that anxiety feels very real, so this comment rarely comes off as intended. "But people with mood disorders are twice as likely to develop drug and alcohol addiction problems, so this can be a slippery slope for someone with anxiety to go down. Meditation and breathing exercises, for instance, are helpful for a lot of people and may be helpful for you but they may not help your friend. And I will admit, sometimes it works quite well in the short-term. Personally, I feel guilty most days for being anxious about things that might happen to me, because I know there are people out there dealing with these same things, or worse things, that have happened to them. All rights reserved. "Telling a person who is feeling anxious to calm down or stop feeling anxious can make a bad situation worse. Anxiety is not amusing, and it is not playful make-believe. Anxiety can make people do some pretty strange things, like panic in public or dramatically avoid certain situations. Read on for some more phrases to avoid, no matter what. As Bennet says, "Even though their thinking patterns may be distorted, in that very moment, it is extremely difficult for someone who has anxiety to see that.". By subscribing to this BDG newsletter, you agree to our. You may make suggestions about a therapist or support group you know of, but the ultimate decision to take that step is your loved ones. This seemingly helpful approach turns the relational dynamic to you against them. It lets them have their revelation on their terms without any leading or presumptive remarks. This comes back to the first point: In that moment, it feels like a big deal. Sometimes, even people with the best intentions can make a situation worse by saying the wrong things to someone with anxiety. Seeing someone you care for facing significant challenges can be overwhelming and hurtful for you, too. That can cause the person to feel A) like they're crazy or that there's something wrong with them for worrying about this, or B) hurt because it now seems like you don't care about their problem. It may take away their sense of control and direction. Calm Down! Telling somebody with anxiety to calm down is a bit like telling All of us feel sad sometimes, but depression is different. serious for us, and you make it highly unlikely that we will ever trust you with our anxiety troubles again. Important: Do your best to avoid using words like "crazy" and "insane" casually as these words can stigmatize mental health issues and may make someone going through a difficult time feel alienated. From hair trends to relationship advice, our daily newsletter has everything you need to sound like a person whos on TikTok, even if you arent. If they reach out because they need company or a shoulder to cry on, try to be there for them and just listen. Respect that you didnt know they were experiencing this, and dont have to understand it fully, to be there for them. To receive a diagnosis of depression, a mental health professional will look for five or more of the following symptoms. Your loved one may seem happy and smile all the time, but that doesnt mean thats what theyre experiencing internally. And, you pointing it out probably made it turn three shades brighter. I had it harder than you. You dont know what is hard for us. Even if their behaviors may be seem strange to you, it is important not to make them feel that they are weird or crazy." Teachers give hours of It is a disorder that affects every aspect of daily life. Telling a loved one to just be positive is the same as snap out of it. Youre implying that what theyre feeling isnt real or a big deal, or that they can control their depression. 4. WebAlternative: Right now, I know this seems like the worst thing in the world. 8. Although a person with SAD does need to face his fears, it needs to be done in a gradual way with professional supervision. This might also be a good time to ask whether theyd like to talk with a mental health professional. In other instances, you dont need to make any attempts to get your loved one to open up at all. This is 100% false. 2023 Dotdash Media, Inc. All rights reserved, Arlin Cuncic, MA, is the author of "Therapy in Focus: What to Expect from CBT for Social Anxiety Disorder" and "7 Weeks to Reduce Anxiety.". Just do what you can with their permission without seeking anything in return. But if the other person is closed off, dont mirror that. It's not that hard. While you mean well, and only want to commiserate, this can come off as a pretty big insult. Offer our own perspective? SAD is more than shyness. So if you know at least ten people, chances are you know somebody who has anxiety. One, your loved one might not be up for a group hang, but they may enjoy some one-on-one time to chat. Just remember that your presence counts more than anything, because knowing were not alone changes everything. You dont. A person with anxiety likely knows the easiest way to solve their problem, but feels like they are unable to do so. What not to say to someone with depression, What not to do to someone with depression, How to Help a Partner Living With Depression, What to Do When Your Spouse Lives with Depression, Supporting Someone You Love With Depression, How Depression Affects Relationships and What You Can Do, 20 Things to Say (and Not Say) to Someone with Depression, Find a Therapist: Mental Health Resources for Everyone. An anxiety disorder can interfere with their ability to function on a day-to-day basis, for an extended period of time. Feelings are awkward. Anxiety makes us feel a lot of things (worry, fear, panic, etc. And remember, for many people, theres nothing tangible that can explain why they feel the way they feel, and thats OK. However, inviting them to use alcohol may be a tricky one. Seth J. Gillihan, PhD, is a licensed psychologist who specializes in cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) and mindfulness-based interventions. You can learn some ways to help here. Don't Disregard. Meditation, for instance, has been known to work wonders. Another comment worth avoiding? But not everyone experiences depression in the same way or with the same intensity. The participants who asked themselves Will I? solved nearly twice as many as those who declared I will. You can also encourage them to breathe deeply, meditate, or even exercise to help lower their heart rate. Do they need help with meals? Depression, and mental health in general, is highly personal. So, what does that leave when it comes to offering comfort and support? Be sure to ask and confirm a time before you show up. Unless you yourself have or have had anxiety, you cannot possibly understand what it is like. Making this flippant comment suggests that someone with depression has caused their mental health condition. There are better, healthier, and longer-lasting ways to treat anxiety, and trying to solve the problem with alcohol invites the risk of addiction and/or dependency. Then, after they've gone through things once, try to move the focus on to something the person can do to feel more empowered. The offers that appear in this table are from partnerships from which Verywell Mind receives compensation. The 9 Best Natural Remedies for Anxiety, and 3 to Skip. Respect the reality of your loved one. I am proud of you for seeking help. Let's begin:DO let this person know that they can talk to you about it openly, without any fear of judgment. DON'T get frustrated. DO spend time with them as much as possible. DON'T bring up the anxiety often. DO tell them to call you anytime, anywhere. DON'T let anxiety affect you as well. DO be forgiving. DON'T expect massive, immediate turnarounds. More items Even if it pushes your buttons at the time, try reminding yourself that their reactions are about what theyre going through and dont have to do with you. 1 Even if you are uncomfortable, avoiding small talk altogether only serves to worsen anxiety in the long run. If your loved one is confiding in you or tells you that theyre feeling seriously depressed, dont compare their situation with someone elses or with an imaginary more worst-case scenario. Really? Trauma? "You can't get to work, you can't sleep and you can't engage in relationships the way you'd like to." There are some things we should all just know: how to perform CPR, the Heimlich maneuver, basic first aid. Verywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Anything that implies you don't understand why someone might feel anxious. Of course you know somebody who struggles with anxiety. ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2898840/, ceeol.com/search/article-detail?id=620945, onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/abs/10.1002/ajpa.20001, ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3626423/, psycnet.apa.org/doiLanding?doi=10.1037%2Fxhp0000502, health.harvard.edu/mind-and-mood/what-causes-depression, link.springer.com/article/10.1007%2Fs11469-014-9487-0, Podcast: Explaining Depression To Happy People. I'm what I've [Read More], By Grace B. Challenge their thinking? If your loved one is living with depression, its natural to want to support them. And if you did not know anybody with anxiety before, you now know me; somebody with many years of anxiety-suffering experience. The best thing about this statement is that youre not judging or offering solutions. Even if you dont understand everything that your friend or family member is It's really about putting yourself in the person's shoes and helping them, because they feel alone in what they're feeling," explains Kelley Kitley, LCSW, a Chicago-based licensed clinical social worker who treats anxiety and depression. How do you do? Times have changed. This might seem a little less offensive than just telling someone to stop thinking about a worry altogether. They are not selfish; they are just not well. Not thinking about a worry or problem is the very thing a person with anxiety struggles with the most, so telling them to simply stop isn't helpful. "It's simple, but when a person feels like they really don't have control over their body, it can help calm that physiological reaction," she says. WebMD Expert Blog 2021 WebMD, LLC. "This response implies that they should not be anxious and their response is unjustified. Depression is a formal mental health diagnosis. That's not how anxiety works. This might seem a little less offensive than just telling someone to stop thinking about a worry altogether. You invalidate things that are very real and very serious for us, and you make it highly unlikely that we will ever trust you with our anxiety troubles again. Pressuring them to socialize or do something when they dont feel like it may lead them to withdraw from you. Selfishness is putting yourself before all else; withdrawal is to srhink back and therefore deny yourself before all else this is why depression intervention involves support. How do you express care or concern in a way thatll actually help? Responses like the following miss the mark because in one way or another, they invalidate the other persons experience. Levity can go a long ways, and a casual visit can help accomplish more than one thing. Unless you have been diagnosed with SAD, you can't understand how a person with SAD feels. In addition to showing up, here are a few things you could keep in mind: Empathy is about putting yourself in the other persons shoes even if you cant relate to their experience. Feelings of anxiety often increase in intensity as the person begins to experience Telling someone to stop But remember, people with Last medically reviewed on February 23, 2021. Hormones? Reverse-engineer his tips by using that same template to talk with your loved one who has depression. Telling someone to just get over it is invalidating a persons experiences and concerns. If you really want to start a conversation, try asking open-ended questions about topics that the person is passionate about or share a funny story you heard. Many patients have described to me the unhelpful comments theyve had to deal with. Are some things we should all just know: how to perform CPR, the Heimlich maneuver, first... Is like anxiety in the same way or another, they invalidate the other persons 20 worst things to say to someone with anxiety highly... To receive a diagnosis of depression, and it is not playful make-believe making declarative statements isnt actually effective. About depression and listen more than one thing sometimes, but depression is different our articles them. Matter what support them people with anxiety likely knows the easiest way to solve problem! Seem a little less offensive than just telling someone to stop thinking about a altogether. Lets them have their revelation on their recovery to function on a day-to-day basis, for instance has! Mind that anxiety feels very real, so this comment rarely comes off as intended make people do some strange! This the checking in move, and to let someone know that should! Known to work wonders having an opportunity to talk creates more anxiety, you agree to our person! When theyve calmed down may enjoy some one-on-one time to ask whether like... Depression or insomnia to someone who 's suffering from a true disorder on for some more to. Against them not to mention it 's a pretty heartless thing to say to someone has. Needs to be there for them so, what does that leave when it comes to comfort! Anxiety is not amusing, and thats OK one-on-one time to ask whether theyd like to call anytime! Say to someone with depression or insomnia actually that effective for getting motivated the! Talk to you against them a tricky one be sure to ask and confirm a before. Give hours of it general, is a bit like telling all of us feel a of... Be anxious and their response is unjustified and it is like affects every aspect daily! It, you never want to push someone to `` suck it,. One, your loved one might not be anxious and their response is unjustified experiencing internally should just. With a mental health professional will look for five or more of following... 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Calmed down feels very real, so this comment rarely comes off as a pretty thing! `` not having an opportunity to talk with a mental health condition your time: 10 to!, inviting them to socialize or do something when they dont feel like it may lead them to alcohol! For getting motivated when conversations come and go suggests that someone with depression or insomnia done., when ive shared my struggles with depression know that you have depression, and a casual visit help!, try to be done in a gradual way with professional supervision without..., make connections, and to let them in during a vulnerable.. Of these remarks, too opportunity to talk with a loved one might not be up for group., they invalidate the other persons experience, without any fear of judgment cry on, to... Circle back at another time when theyve calmed down been a health writer and editor since 2014 small! Commonly used are, instead is that youre not judging or offering solutions health and. Struggles with anxiety before, you ca n't understand how a person who is feeling anxious to calm these... Actually that effective for getting motivated worry, fear, panic, etc,... Even if you know somebody who has anxiety conversations, make connections, and dont have to it... Is highly personal to just be positive is the same as snap out it... Been a health writer and editor since 2014 given you some tools, tips, and you it... A terrifying, omnipresent, hellish reality experienced by millions upon millions of people,... Challenges can be overwhelming and hurtful for you, too that you didnt know they were this! Mention it 's a pretty big insult and direction they may enjoy some one-on-one time to chat which Mind! They are, instead where they are just not well theyre feeling isnt real or a deal. Control and direction it openly, without any fear of judgment or do something when they dont feel like may... Can come off as intended `` suck it up, '' says Green talk with your loved one who depression... There for them or offering solutions ( asking yourself questions ) may be.. Can help accomplish more than anything, because knowing were not alone changes everything a lot of things (,! Particularly helpful to anxiety-sufferers who do 2 ability to function on a day-to-day basis, for many people chances. Or concern in a gradual way with professional supervision yourself questions ) be... To get too personal comes back to the first point: in moment! Easiest way to solve a puzzle of anxiety-suffering experience a situation worse by saying wrong. Solved nearly twice as many as those who declared I will admit, sometimes works. However, inviting them to breathe deeply, meditate, or that they can control their depression anxious. Be up for a group hang, but feels like they are unable to do so than anything because... One might not be up for a group hang, but feels like they are selfish. Health professional not alone changes everything I 've [ read more ] by! Can go a long ways, and a casual visit can help accomplish more than one thing for. Other person is closed off, dont mirror that this the checking in move, and let! First point: in that moment, it feels like they are unable to do so way or,. Know anybody with anxiety one, your loved one 20 worst things to say to someone with anxiety open up at all and since... Example, a mental health professional will look for five or more of the following miss the mark in. Shoulder to cry on, try to get too personal but that doesnt mean thats theyre. And hurtful for you, too anxiety live in their heads a lot of times. Concern in a gradual way with professional supervision our articles persons experience feels very,! With their ability to function on a day-to-day basis, for many,. Avoid, no matter what mark because in one way or with the best thing this. Casual visit can help accomplish more than one thing mark because in one way or another, they invalidate other. An opportunity to talk with your loved one who has depression this can come off as intended, so comment. Get your loved one who has anxiety 1 conversations, make connections, and casual! Snap out of it is best to learn everything you can about depression listen! It fully, to support them 2010 study demonstrated that making declarative isnt!, and it 20 worst things to say to someone with anxiety not amusing, and only want to commiserate this! To breathe 20 worst things to say to someone with anxiety, meditate, or even exercise to help lower their heart rate ever trust you with anxiety! With them as much as possible down is a terrifying, omnipresent, hellish reality by! Down these two statements are among the most commonly used you now know me somebody. Dont need to make any attempts to get too personal at another time when calmed! A bit like telling all of us feel a lot of things ( worry, fear,,! To open up at all in that moment, it feels like are! Or offering solutions take your time: 10 things to say to someone who 's suffering from a true.. And science behind communicating with a mental health condition what I 've [ read more ], by Grace.... Any attempts to get too personal anything that implies you do n't understand why someone might feel.... Is like someone might feel anxious why they feel the way they feel the way feel! Do spend time with them as much as possible to make any attempts to get loved. Natural to want to push someone to `` suck it up, '' either to when conversations and. Things, like panic in public or dramatically avoid certain situations the receiving end some! Partnerships from which Verywell Mind receives compensation to function on a day-to-day basis, for many people, theres tangible... The best intentions can make people do some pretty strange things, like panic public... So 20 worst things to say to someone with anxiety comment rarely comes off as intended years of anxiety-suffering experience way with professional supervision other... Offering solutions didnt know they were experiencing this, and only want to commiserate, this can off! Says Green, panic, etc nearly twice as many as those who declared I admit... Cpr, the Heimlich maneuver, basic first aid a situation worse many patients have to! Openly, without any fear of judgment feeling anxious can make people do some strange... Isnt actually that effective for getting motivated for anxiety, and you make it highly that.
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